Line Up To Eat Me!

When your tail feels low, you can take your powerful painkillers, set up some lights and a camera, and invent some really bitchin dance moves.

My secret formula is this:
1 part insomnia
1 part horrible pain
1 part apathy toward pain
1 part worrying about grandmother
3 parts painkillers
=
a really fun set of photos

So here, take a free lesson at the Line Up To Eat Me Dance Conservatory!!

I call this “Underwater Godzilla.” It’s more of an expressionist move. Use your imagination and pretend to stamp Atlantis into a powdery mess. At the club, it’s sure to be a big hit.

I call this one “Bilateral Hip-Hopping.” Throw your right arm and right leg or your left arm and left leg into the air and jump. The best part is, this move works on either the right or the left! It’s a smash hit!

“Lightning Speed” can be performed in several various ways. In this photo, I have positioned my legs to vaguely recall the shape of a lightning bolt. The trick is, do it quick. REALLY quick. Make it a move that leaves them wanting more.

Jump into the air and pretend you’re sitting in a chair. When you land, people will be like, “HEY! Where did that chair go?! I could have SWORN I saw you sitting on a chair when you were in the air!” It’s a hell of a trick, and will no-doubt get you laid, if that’s what you’re into. No matter what, it will earn you mad respect on the dance floor. Good for weddings!

“Pike” is more of a position than a dance move. It’s a good move to show off your flexibility, and your ability to touch your toes. It’s a good one to perform for a bouncer outside a club that doesn’t allow fat people. PROVE that you can not only see your toes, you can almost touch them if you try really hard!

The “Pre-Cartwheel Fake-Out” is one to pull out of your dance pocket when you require room on the dance floor. Set yourself up so it looks like you’re going to turn a cartwheel, then jump in the air. No doubt, people will make room for you. No guarantees but you’re welcome to try it as long as you pay shipping and handling.

“Tuck” is a dance move that nods at my days as a diving (board diving) instructor. If you have a bad knee, be sure that you’re on enough painkillers to numb the inevitable pain-induced screech-fest that will follow this move. “Tuck” may also remind you of AIDS and inspire you to give money to charity.

What are you waiting for? Get yourself out on that dance floor and KRUNK!!